Friday, February 27, 2009

In which I enlighten you as to the state of my health and well-being

Evidently I'm involved in a war against my own body, which has been going on since the 80's. Here's the result of my latest skirmish, in which I employed the genius tactic of opening my office window and slamming my left index finger into one of the the upper wooden pane dividers. I won that skirmish, having completely subdued the offending digit.

I'll keep you all up to date as to the progress of the nasty bruise, which as of today is already three weeks old. This is going to take MONTHS. Good, I need blog fodder anyway. The fuzziness you see at the top of the bruise is the result of the nail growing, dragging bits of blood with it. Sexy, huh?

Here is a shot of the fingers of my right hand. Notice the middle finger is slightly bent? If you look closely, it's unmistakable. And the middle finger of my left hand is also bent, just in the other direction. This was done in high school, when I played basketball for my high school team. To be honest, I sat on the bench more than I played, (I am both velocity- and vertically-challenged, and I was afraid to wear my glasses in a game - not a good combo for the game of basketball. I later developed a good outside shot in an adult league I played in, since I could afford contact lenses, but in high school it was glasses or nothing. Perhaps it's worth noting that I also got my ass kicked in the adult league. Outside shot or no, I have no business pretending I'm an athlete). This was most likely the result of trying to catch the ball with my fingertips, rather than my palm, in practice. Though I do remember sitting on the bench during one game, literally taking hold of fingers that had been knocked out of joint, pulling them out, and putting them back in position with that sickening, audible crack. So I must have actually been in the game at least a few times.

Seems I'm always slamming fingers in doors, knocking knees on coffee table corners, stubbing toes on table legs, cutting my fingers open with cooking knives, in general getting a new bruise or cut daily.

But these are only minor battles compared to the war against the whole bodily system. This is where the real violence and hatred starts. The bitch wants to be fat, you see. And THIS WILL NOT DO. Now, I keep a pretty tight rein on the fat and cellulite rebellion by eating real food and exercising. But here's my latest thing: A yearly 'cleansing' to re-start the old digestive system, and clear out old rubbish. Since spring is coming, in addition to another ban on coffee, and a vast reduction in alcohol (wine on the weekends is fine. Fuck off - IT IS.), I'm taking this shit here:

You guys. There is stuff coming out of me that has probably been there since the 70's. Too much information? Tough. You guys don't come here for enlightenment and high art. (Do you?) But I have to say - for women of a certain age who have that midriff paunch that doesn't seem to go away with diet and exercise, this is supposed to help start the process of eliminating the garbage that's holding things up. And by things I mean the clutter and paste that's been gathering in your intestines and colon walls because of all the processed foods and chemicals you ingest.


I'm on day 4 of a 7-day process. No HUGE reduction in midriff yet. But I did eat pizza last night, so that was a step in the wrong direction. My pants do feel a tad loose, but that could be my imagination. Will let you know. Why am I telling you all this? Because I can. Because if I die, and this blog goes silent for an even longer time, you'll know that it was probably due to an escalation of hostilities between my self and this bitch of a carcass I inhabit.

Aren't you glad you checked in?


Blogger Sassy Sundry said...

One of my friends is doing one of those cleansing things, so I've already heard the poop stories. Have you ever checked out the Colon Blow Web site? Interesting stuff.

Happy cleansing. Hope the finger gets better!

27 February, 2009 15:53  
Blogger Annie said...

Do let me know how that goes. I could use a good flensing myself. God forbid I should cut down on the beer to do it the natural way. I do believe I have a number of years on you, child, so I've got other things working against me as well. Has anybody seen my hormones?

27 February, 2009 19:54  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

tilting middle finger? Both mine do too. I think it's incredibly common

28 February, 2009 05:50  
Blogger Andraste said...

Thanks, Sassy. Don't worry, I won't regale you with any poop stories. Egad.

Annie - I suspect I'll end up recommending some type of cleanse, though this particular product is one of the cheaper ones and I also suspect I'd recommend splurging a little on a more extensive kit. Also, I should have switched to a cleaner diet for the week, instead of eating my regular cheese and dough and pasta. I'm probably negating all the good the 'system' is doing.

Kim - COMMON? You callin' me a CHAV? In all seriousness, though - they weren't bent before I tried catching the ball with them rather than my palms and sprained I don't think it's DNA.

28 February, 2009 06:40  
Blogger Medbh said...

That middle age paunchy thing scares the hell out of me, Andraste. Hence the starvation thing.

28 February, 2009 13:58  
Blogger Andraste said...

Medbh - don't starve yourself. Sources say that'll make it worse! Eat your greens and avoid gluten is the strategy, I'm told.

28 February, 2009 14:25  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Spring is coming, you'll start feeling more energetic hopefully, and the longer stretch in the day is conducive to battling sofa&hooch love. Thus speaketh someone who is also going to forgo all things hoocular mid week. Least until Paddy's day.

01 March, 2009 10:45  
Blogger Andraste said...

Too right, FMC. I've got so much energy already I'm almost manic. Heading downstairs now to jump on the machine again. Did an HOUR yesterday - 1000 calories, 150 carbs and two thigh muscles burned. A conflagration, if you will.

AND I was watching that little bitch Gillian McKEith while I was doing it, which made me feel VELLY superior indeed.

01 March, 2009 10:53  

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