Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Hold the phone! I may be The Chosen One!

Sunday evening, I nearly severed the end of a finger CLEAN OFF, whilst chopping potatoes for dinner. (Mashed, thanks for asking, and they were EXCELLENT!)

When I say nearly severed, I hope you understand, the end of my finger nearly Came. The. Fuck. Off. On its backwards flip from when the knife cut in, a piece the size of a gerbil's eyeball must have been cut completely through, and was probably boiled along with the potatoes. (Extra protein, right, and no one was the wiser.) Anyway, copious blood, lots of profanities, a makeshift bandage made of toilet paper, packing tape and cat hair...you get the picture.

But today, less than 48 hours later, finger is almost completely healed! The edges of skin from the piece that nearly came off have knitted themselves back to the edges of the wound, without even leaving a mark. No pain, no scab, just the eentsiest little tiny red mark.

I had suspected this early on, but now I have proof! YES, verily, I say to you, I must be some kind of GODDESS! Bow before me, you slow-to-average-healing maggots! I am your Queen of Fast-Acting-Metalloproteins! The Empress of Digital Resilience!

I will take bids from the world's best medical schools, and allow myself to be studied by the highest bidder. I'm here, and the phone lines are open.


Blogger fatmammycat said...

Pfftt, clean wound clean healing, you must have sliced it but good. ( I would also like you to send me a vial of your blood as a sort of 'death becomes her' precaution in case I am horribly wrong.

24 October, 2006 18:44  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pah. It was the spuds that fixed you. Everyone knows there's few injuries a nice big plate of mash won't heal.

25 October, 2006 05:38  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

You could be a Goddess, or perhaps the cut was not as serious as an overreacting drama queen big girl's blouse might first have thought.

Don't turn me into a frog.

25 October, 2006 05:40  
Blogger Andraste said...

Right, Kav. Mash is the favored panacea round my way.

I'm no drama queen, docky, believe me. It was a very. deep. cut. indeed.

I shall now smite you.

That'll learn ya.

25 October, 2006 09:17  
Blogger P1P said...

Superb. That story has it all. Blood, action, miracles and mashed potato. It's probably something to do with eating the end of your own finger as I eat mash all the time and I bleed like billio.

25 October, 2006 09:22  
Blogger Old Knudsen said...

Have you experimented with more chopping? The red Injuns used mashed potato to stop bleeding or maybe that was spiders webs, well keep at it, theres a gold mine of posts to be had there.

26 October, 2006 03:45  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps you should sit down.

Comfortable? OK. Now check your OTHER hand.

Hello? HELLO? Can someone ring an ambulance please?

26 October, 2006 07:42  
Blogger Taihae said...

youve uncovered your latent mutant powers! you can now join the ranks of wolverine and deathstrike! OH to go with you! but i have a blister on my toe that hasnt healed after five weeks.
oh, and funny blog. i likes ya.

26 October, 2006 12:07  

<< Home