Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Open letter to the women's clothing industry.

Dear Women's clothing industry, especially the women's section at the GAP:

Do you want to know why I dress like a boy? I have to say it. It's because you suck. Men's clothes are not only better and more durably made, but it is still possible to find classic cuts, styles and colors in men's clothing, where it has become almost impossible to find even the simplest things in the women's section.

Case in point: sweaters. Remember classic V-necks, crewnecks, things that ended at the hips, in colors that weren't reminiscent of disco lights or vomit? Remember green, blue, black, gray, red? The ones that DIDN'T have stupid floppy collars, kitty-cat embroidery, shag rug trim or require a fucking BELT, of all the stupid....?


I also have a few words to say about the 'skinny black pants' you've been advertising. Fellas...Audrey Hepburn is SPINNING IN HER GRAVE that you are using her to pimp these horrible rags. I admit I fell for it, and thought "Hooray, skinny black pants are back! I'll try them on and if they fit, I'll buy A DOZEN pairs and stockpile them for when they go out of style again."

Here's the thing: Oh GAP, you have taken a simple, good, classic idea and turned it to SHIT. I tried on about 10 pairs of these things...and they do not live up to the greatness that is our Audrey. If you look closely at what this icon of style was actually wearing in her prime, you will see that the waist came over the hips and rested in a flattering, stomach flattening, comfortable place on the waist. Your inferior imitator has a fly that is 2 inches long, and is more like a lo-rise or hip-hugger pant, something our Audrey did not sport until middle-age, when she was tooling around the countryside with Albert Finney. (And only she could have pulled it off at that age, or any age, I think. Christ, the woman was a stick.)

And, yes, a word about unerwear. Panties, to be precise. I have now scoured at least FIVE FUCKING DEPARTMENT STORES, looking for classic, cotton, bikini underwear, in my size (6) or Medium, in ANYTHING BUT FUCKING PASTELS AND BUTTERFLY PATTERNS. Why is it so hard to make a classic panty in black or navy? I just want some new, comfortable underwear, not these stupid lace fringe, or 'boycut' briefs, or thongs, for the LOVE. OF. ALL. THAT'S. HOLY. You fucking "Hanes Her Way" people are the worst offenders. Do you have any idea how much of the market you're losing because you can't do it SIMPLE?

Lord help me, don't get me started on the shoes.

This is why I'm currently wearing men's sneakers, men's jeans, and a men's t-shirt. Besides a bra (another post for another day), the only piece of women's clothing I have on is a black cardigan I bought at the GAP in 1987, that is no doubt the last normal, simple, classic piece you ever fucking put out.

You can all fuck off.

11 Comments:

Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh Darling, I long to take you to Marks and Spencers right this minute, you would find all that you require and more, they even do 6 packs of perfectly fitting cotton bikini briefs that do not bunch, you can buy these in black/white/tan.
Sorry old girl, really. thre must be some other department store you can find all these things? Surely?

17 October, 2006 15:53  
Blogger Old Knudsen said...

so, you like the Gap then?

18 October, 2006 02:16  
Blogger P1P said...

I went shopping with a friend once and she was after a Bra. Now I shop like the SAS hit a building. In and out 20 seconds (except I don't double tap people on the way by even if sometimes I'd like to).

This was like taking on some Arthurian quest. It involved a journey that would make a sherpa quail. Thrills and spills.

Women do not have it easy.

18 October, 2006 05:10  
Blogger SheBah said...

Maybe you should look in the sports section, you can get knickers specifically for under tennis skirts, shorts etc. I love 'boypants' very comfy and no knicker line under trousers. Though a thong is pretty sexy under trousers if you man likes a grope! Only one layer of fabric between his hand and you!

18 October, 2006 06:27  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

If you look at their website, or in the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog, you can find plain old cotton bikini undies in black, white, or nude. I know, I couldn't believe it either, but I shit you not. Cheaper than the Hanes stuff in Wal-Mart, too, if you buy a couple of packs. I love Frederick's. They actually have basic stuff.

Word verif: nukupdre -- When the Vatican gets the bomb.

18 October, 2006 20:58  
Blogger Lis Riba said...

Re:panties (here via Universalhub) I think I saw some at Syms on Rte 1 Danvers.

One of my favorite clothing peeves is washing instructions. How come the same item for men is machine washable, but the women's version is dry-clean only? I'm sorry, but I don't want to be shelling out boucoup bucks to keep my everyday work clothes clean.

[Two other ways mens clothes are better than women's: 1) pockets, 2) sizing.]

19 October, 2006 06:40  
Blogger Andraste said...

Hiya Lis, welcome to the pub. You are absolutely correct about pockets and sizing, too. Shameful that I'm actually thinking of going all the way to Danvers for undies, though. And I am...thinking about it. Desperate, isn't it?

19 October, 2006 09:49  
Blogger Amy said...

Know what I hate? The Vicky's Secret "Pink" collection. Yes, please make my underroos as pink and glaring as possible, all the better to show through my clothes. Also, NOT ALL GIRLS LIKE PINK. DON'T SPEAK FOR ME, BASTARDS.

Ahem.

19 October, 2006 12:13  
Blogger Lyss said...

I can totally identify with your search woes for the long lost black panties. I don't think that there's anything wrong with cotton and I also dislike weird, pink, girly prints.

19 October, 2006 13:38  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually the Gap sells normal cotton underwear in black and white and they're not that expensive. I do agree with you on the sweater styles. It's impossible to find sweaters in normal colors these days. Fucking lime green, bright blue, fushcia crap!

19 October, 2006 15:24  
Blogger Andraste said...

Yes, the GAP sells normal cotton underwear in black, but I have never EVER been able to find them in my size in any of their Boston area stores.

Nope, no mediums at all. Ever.

19 October, 2006 15:32  

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