Friday, March 09, 2007

Mischievous ghost

Today I find myself thinking about how I'd like to spend the afterlife. I think that if ghosts do exist, I should like to be one.
I could pick some nice old house to haunt, hovering in the corner by the bookcase, quietly reading or watching whatever is on the TV. If the people I'm haunting are nice, I can do them little favors; help them find their car keys, scare off potential burglars, keep a protective eye on the pets, write winning lottery numbers in the dust on the TV set. If I'm haunting someone who isn't nice and I think they need to be fucked with, I can marshall my ghostly energies and bollix up their shit. Slither out of their computer in an ectoplasmic mess when they try to download kiddy porn, drop the car keys in the toilet, generally slam shit around and make life miserable...

Yeah, that'd be a pretty cool way to spend eternity.
EDIT: It must be one of those days...I keep thinking up clever and dastardly things to do as a ghost, to really fuck with anyone who's a dick. Here's a partial list:
Manifest as a cold spot just over the toilet whenever they sit down to crap.
Switch the labels on the toothpaste and hemorrhoid cream.
Wail at midnight, every night, to the tune of "Feelings."
Just as they're about to go to sleep, get right up to their ear and buzz like a mosquito - every night, even in winter.
I guess that's all I have right now. You know, aside from that evil "Feelings" thing, this list isn't really that dastardly. I shall have to work on this, if I'm going to be worth my salt as a vengeful spirit.


Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hide the TV remote daily. Hide one earring from every set, use the last of their milk but put the empty carton back in the fridge...hey wait a minute, you're here right now aren't you?

09 March, 2007 13:35  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Cold spot over the toilet... hemmorhoid cream... godawfulsongs... mosquito buzzing...

Hey! Are you haunting me???

09 March, 2007 13:56  
Blogger MairĂ©ad said...

Muss hair when it's "just so"; make the phone ring every hour on the hour; turn off the telly during the best bits; make the hoover blow instead of suck.... Jeez, what do these thoughts say about me, am I evil?

09 March, 2007 15:40  
Blogger Sassy Sundry said...

Show up in the mirror every now and then.

Expose private correspondence.

Turn on the stereo in the middle of the night.

Sharpen the knives.

09 March, 2007 16:05  
Blogger DeadpanAnn said...

I always thought it would be fun to replace the personal lubricant with BenGay or some other firey hot skin burning ointment.

10 March, 2007 00:58  
Blogger DeadpanAnn said...

by the way my url changed to deadpanran.blogspot if you want to update your BR. I had a paranoid moment.

10 March, 2007 01:17  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

That picture pretty much looks like me in the morning in my dressing-gown. I will be haunting my kids for the rest of their lives.

Your dastardly haunting could include surreptitiously pulling flies down. Turning the oven off before important dinner parties. Releasing cockroaches at important dinner parties. Writing BOO! on mirrors in lipstick, or !OOB for extra spookiness.

12 March, 2007 02:15  
Blogger Old Knudsen said...

I'd do money shots of ectoplasm.

12 March, 2007 03:23  
Blogger P1P said...

Leave herpes cream in their bathroom when they bring a date back. And put up a sex swing.

13 March, 2007 11:41  

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