Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I'm so glad your bag has a seat

Really...you three guys on my bus this morning. I'm talking to YOU. It pleases me that you were able to get on the bus early enough that there were sufficient seats for you to plop yourself down, and make your bags comfortable in the empty seat next to you. Even after the bus filled up and people had to stand in the aisles, you managed not to disturb your possessions, and they were able to get the rest they needed for the long day ahead, what with opening and closing and carrying your lunch and everything. It's a tough life, being a fucking briefcase. So that extra 45 minutes of undisturbed repose during your commute was a godsend, huh? Congratulations, and good for them!

You know, these trackless trolley buses, they don't travel particularly smoothly. They jerk around like amphetamine-riddled epileptics, so even holding onto the bars doesn't necesssarily guarantee that you'll be able to keep your balance at sudden starts, stops and turns. So as people were flying about, white-knuckled, ankles cracking, in danger of whiplash, you should be proud that you protected those seats, and kept your lap free and clear for your hands to have a place of repose as well. You fucking wankers.

And the fella waaaaay in the back, with the rap blaring through his headphones so that the driver waaaaay in the front could rap along? That was awfully considerate of you. I hope you go deaf, pissbag.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and to whoever it was who let one rip just before Mt. Auburn Hospital, you are my hero. But lay off the luncheon meats, my friend. Something might be horribly wrong inside you.


Blogger Father of 3 said...

Andraste... I'm with you. The LIRR is full of such people.. old ladies are just as bad as the yuppies, gen x'ers and middle aged men who do this. We also get the guy who puts his muddy workboots up on the seat across from him, then when he's asked to move them so someone can sit (like a nicely dressed lady) does so grudgingly and slowly and doesn't bother to wipe the seat or warn her. And don't get me started on the headphone thing.

btw, where do you get those great names for people..like pissbag.?

20 September, 2005 11:17  
Blogger Andraste said...

Thanks, Fof3.

Oh, I pick these things up here and there from overhearing things in bars, reading a lot, looking at other blogs, etc.

I thought I invented 'fucktard,' but I'm seeing it all over the place now, so maybe that one came through the ether...

20 September, 2005 11:27  
Blogger Dr. E. Scientist, phD. said...

Are cattle prods legal in your neck of the woods?

Nothing says "Free up that seat, you ignorant buggernut" quite like waking up naked in Roxbury, handcuffed to a telephone pole.

20 September, 2005 17:08  
Blogger Andraste said...

Cattle prod. Hmmm...where would one acquire such a thing in urban Massachusetts? Forget the bus, the uses are manifold...

20 September, 2005 19:05  

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