Monday, November 07, 2005

I grow old...I grow old...I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

I just want some simple goddamn jeans.

I must be getting old, because Levis Strauss jeans have veered off in a direction that has left me behind. All their women's jeans appear to be "stretch" now, which is awful. JUST DIABOLICALLY FUGLY. And it's like admitting that you're fat and can't fit into regular denim, so you need a little "give" at the seams. So obvious.

The bastards appear to have discontinued the 512 for women. Or if they didn't, they've made it impossible for me to find them. The 512's were the only ones that had the reasonably tapered leg, without having to resort to tailoring. Call me an 80's chick, but I like the tapered look. At least the 512's didn't have those FUCKING AWFUL HIPPIE FUCKING FLARES, or rest on the lower part of my hips, or have some shitty wash on them. All I want is just plain old pre-wash, black or bleach, NOT some stupid obvious worn out looking material just on the thighs, or fraying holes in strategic places already, which you have to pay an arm and a leg for. I guess they call that "broken in." Fuck off, just give me the simple product, and I will break in my own cunting jeans.

So, over the weekend, I went back to buying men's jeans. Plain old, simple, straight leg, zipper fly 505's. BUT...I shall have to get them tailored because what they call a straight leg is NOT a straight leg. On me, it looks like the dreaded fucking hippie fucking FLARES. Children, flares were NEVER attractive. Not even in the 70's. Just awful. And hip-huggers...who the fuck thinks these are flattering on the female body? Nothing like taking a body part that is TOO WIDE anyway, and accentuating the fuckers, drawing attention to a body flaw, creating the impression of an ASS the size of New Fucking York.

No, you smartass mo-fo's out there. I do NOT have hips that are too wide, nor do I have an ass that is the size of New Fucking York. I'm just making a point.

I'm actually very nicely built. Curvy, not fat. Athletic, not overly muscular. Thin, not willowy. I'm a piece of work. Tssssssssss. You'd think finding jeans for a fairly normal body shape, with normal proportions, would be easy.

Now just give me some fucking decent, simple, authentic jeans and stop making me have to go all out of my way and having to shell out extra expense to get them tailored. Fuckers.


Anonymous muff diver said...

"I'm actually very nicely built. Curvy, not fat. Athletic, not overly muscular. Thin, not willowy. I'm a piece of work. Tssssssssss."

Prove it!

You showed us your truck earlier, now show us the driver! Thanks for the kind remarks over at the Maroon abode.
That Ghost over at Lindyk's does have a certain ability for the seat-wetting, innit?

07 November, 2005 11:32  
Blogger Andraste said...

Ha! Sadly, though I'm quite attractive, I'm one of those unfortunate souls whom the camera does not love.

Plus, I'm keeping this blog as anonymous as need for being recognized in the street. I'm very shy.

Yeah...what's up with ghosty? That was some steamy-arsed writin' up in there. Fo' shizzle.

07 November, 2005 11:37  
Blogger LindyK said...

Well girls, at least he's posting where we can all enjoy his erotic prose, right?! Mmm... at least my Saturday night at home wasn't boring!

A sexy ghost... who knew?!

07 November, 2005 11:49  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You sound lovely, try Diesel Jeans instead of Levis, they have some good cuts, fitted without being overly so. Stretch, Jesus Christ whatever next? I don't plan on stretch anytime in the next twenty years.

07 November, 2005 12:15  
Blogger Andraste said...

I'll look around, FMC. Thanks for the tip!

Yes, and it's so obvious when you're wearing stretch jeans. The denim looks can so tell. It's like giving up.

07 November, 2005 12:22  
Blogger Andraste said...

FMC - just checked out the diesel site. ...erm...nope. Too fancy, too expensive, too flash with the silly washes and pockets...too designer-y.

Plain old Levis is what I'm after. Nothing fancy. Like so:

07 November, 2005 12:29  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Try Miss Sixty then, Sorry about that, Diesel used to do very good jeans, no froo froo nonsense. I don't like stupid washes either, I like my jeans to be jeans.

07 November, 2005 13:42  
Blogger mrshife said...

So what did you want? My wife shops for her pants at The Buckle, I think they are a national store, but I don't know if they carry fucking decent, simple, authentic jeans.

07 November, 2005 14:22  
Blogger Andraste said...

Thanks for the tip. I'll look them up on-line, see if I can find a local store.

07 November, 2005 14:35  
Blogger Dr. E. Scientist, phD. said...

I fear I can not help, being both male and with a bald spot in the middle of my hair... (They will all say "How his hair is growing thin!)

07 November, 2005 20:47  
Blogger El Barbudo said...

I'm with Muff - show us a photo. Just take a pic of your reflecton in the mirror from the neck down. that way you keep your anonimity and we can judge your hips.

08 November, 2005 00:52  
Blogger Andraste said...

Sorry fellas. I may get around to fixing up my digital camera at some point, but as of now, you'll just have to imagine.

08 November, 2005 11:17  
Anonymous said...

Forget denim. What's wrong with wearing a nice flowery frock instead?

08 November, 2005 12:12  
Blogger Andraste said...

For the sake of our friendship, Stephen, I'm going to forget you said that.

08 November, 2005 12:14  
Blogger Rachy said...

I can't live without my jeans and I can't handle fancy ones. I used to wear the male 501's but now I swear by the Jag brand of jeans. I don't actually wear brand name clothing so I'm not sure if they are regarded as a funky brand or not, but they are simple and undorky and most importantly, affordable.

Is it just an Australian fad, or are there people in the States who wear jeans that look like someone has sprayed a line of spray paint down the leg of the jeans? I hate that style.

09 November, 2005 10:03  
Blogger Andraste said...

Yeah, Rachy, I used to wear the 501's but the button fly became annoying. The 505's are basically the same thing with a zipper, though they do need to be tapered.

It seems in America these days you can't find jeans that aren't "fad-fodder." Paint stripes, stupid prefab holes, stupid bleaching patterns, and stretchy shit. It's a sad, sad day.

09 November, 2005 10:06  

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