Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Put your boobs in a vise first thing in the morning...

...and I guaran-damn-tee you, the rest of the day can only get better!

Mammogram. Sounds like something that should be delivered, doesn't it? I can almost hear Billy Connolly's voice, "Knock, knock....Mammogrammmmmmmmm."

Just had my first. Turned 40 and my doctor says, in her most authoritative voice, "YOU MUST HAVE YOUR BOOBS IN A VISE ONCE A YEAR." So who am I to argue. I'd just get a mastectomy if I even had the hint of breast cancer. That'd be all the incentive I'd need, and the insurance company would have to pay for it.

For, you see, I have NEVER liked having these stupid protuberances on my chest. They're just useless. Larger than is practical for my purposes. I know men like them, and I guess in a way they balance the wide hips for a figure that, evidently, is pleasing to the male eye. And probably has some evolutionary significance as far as attracting strong, healthy mates...THOUSANDS OF FUCKING YEARS AGO....and BEFORE the sports bra was invented.

And, yes, for a 40 year old woman, I have to say my girls are pretty much still high and proud, and not bad, if you like that sort of thing. But since I'm not breeding, and I would prefer NOT to have them bouncing around when I exercise or play sports...let's just say a D cup is a bit excessive. They serve no purpose, but to cause me pain, embarrassment and make it difficult to find a good bra.

Yessir, if I could, I'd have them taken right off...or at least made smaller. That's also IF I believed in going under the knife for anything not life threatening. That's another post for another day.

Having said all that, let's talk about the mammogramian moment itself for a minute. No, I don't like my boobs, but I did feel really badly for them this morning, round about 9:15AM. Squashed flat...FLAT I TELL YOU, in a vise, having their picture taken, without benefit of make up, soft lighting, or even a little feel-up to make them jump up and say "Howdie!" And the nurse did warn me, "Well, this is your first, you've never had a baby, so this is going to hurt."

Thanks, Nurse Marge. (Also another post for another day, why are nurses almost invariably overweight...and smokers? That's something that needs to be looked into. It just seems odd to me.)

And, yes, YYYYEEEAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!! But only for about 30 seconds.

and really, ladies, it's not that bad. Just get it done. It's really a very small price to pay for peace of mind...early detection is worth...maybe your life, right?


Blogger P1P said...

you notice that testicular cancer isn't tested for in a similar way. Imagine that, " I am just going to pop your love spuds on this tray then crush them down with a glass screen. Mind you in this case I have a lot of love for the test designers. Glad you are ok!

05 April, 2006 10:49  
Blogger Andraste said...

Hiya P1P, thanks for stopping by, and welcome to the pub.

"Love spuds." I like that!

05 April, 2006 10:55  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I've had one vice trip,(cancer runs in the family) and my nurse, Betty. was an absolute sweetie and she called me pet thrughout and was really aptient with me and my shivering. Sorry, it's just nature's way of balancing out the cosmos. Got great bouncy D Knockers? Meet Marge.

05 April, 2006 15:08  
Blogger Monstee said...

More often than not, woman think their breasts am too small OR too big.
And more often than not, men think woman's breasts are... too small.

D cup, huh? Don't D stand of dandy?

OK, me am going now....
Me would comment more but their am drool all over me keyboard.

06 April, 2006 02:08  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

You mean to say you haven't thought of a Blunt Cogs script around this subject yet? I'd maybe give it some thought before Monstee does...

06 April, 2006 04:33  
Blogger Andraste said...

Good thinking, Kim. I better get on that...

06 April, 2006 08:20  
Blogger LindyK said...

You know what else D cups do?! Make it im-fucking-possible to fit into the right size t-shirt... my body would be a small without the boobs...

08 April, 2006 02:28  
Blogger Rachy said...

I reckoned I would ask for an immediate mastectomy as well. I would prefer to be a surfboard than a corpse wit a great rackk

10 April, 2006 12:29  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

Can you find this one...?

18 April, 2006 20:43  
Blogger Andraste said...

Fucking hell, that was easy.


19 April, 2006 09:19  

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