Tuesday, July 25, 2006


I hate the telephone. It's not just a weak little 'prefer not to use it' or reluctance kind of thing. Oh, no. This is a deep, physical, nasty, violent, borderline psychotic hatred. The sound of a telephone ringing gets right into my fillings, and sends my entire psyche into a state of sweaty, panicky, violent distress.

When I was single and living alone... oh, bliss. I had entire weekends where I would turn the ringer off, turn the volume on the answering machine down, and have complete, hermitlike, blissful SILENCE. I'm not a complete recluse, though. I would periodically check for the blinking light on the answering machine, in case there was a message from someone at the Tir Na Nog, wanting to know if I could come out for a pint (or two dozen). The occasional 30 second invitation like that, and emergencies, was pretty much all I wanted to own the phone for.

Seriously? 48 hours, without having to speak to another human being? Is there a greater peace? I don't think so.

Even today, I own a cell phone, but it is actually never on, except for a 15-minute window on a Friday afternoons. Well, that's just in case someone wants to grab me between the time I leave work, and the time I get on the bus to go home, and invite me out for a post-work cocktail before leaving the Square.

When I MUST be on the telephone, it's physically painful. First, having the thing pressed to my ear, while the sound of a human voice drills DIRECTLY into my ear canal, is just awful. And the idea that whoever is at the other end is yammering at me and expects answers and affirmation that I'm listening? Jesus Christ. There's a reason I have three e-mail accounts that I use every single day. If you want me, e-mail me. I'll answer in minutes flat!

So yesterday, knowing I had at least 4 telephone calls to make, to such varying places as the credit card company, to the Ford dealership about my truck (twice, God help me!), to Sears (so someone can come and fix my elliptical machine - on hold for 10 minutes, I thought I would DIE), and to call in a prescription?

People: I HAD TO TAKE THE ENTIRE DAY OFF. Seriously. Just to work up the energy, think about what I was going to say, dial the numbers, then wait...while it rings at the other end and some STRANGER picks up and I have to actually TALK to someone, ask for assistance, whatever.

The horror...the horror.

If you need me, I'm on e-mail. With the exception of my dear old dad, who doesn't use e-mail, and therefore only hears from me on holidays and birthdays (not that I don't love the guy, it's the damn PHONE I hate) no one else has any excuse. I'm availble, 24 hours a day, just TYPE it, so I can READ it.

Because I don't wanna HEAR it.


Blogger P1P said...

I love my mobile. It shows the name of the person calling if it's someone I want to talk to. If it comes up with a withheld or a number I don't recognise then the answerphone ditches it.

I am exactly the same. My email is there all the time and I always reply quickly.

Peace and quiet. Aaaaahhhhhhhhh

26 July, 2006 06:56  
Blogger Amy said...

Word. I hate my cell. I use it basically for text messaging.

And as my grandmother says, the phone is there to help you. If it's ringing, you're not required to answer.

26 July, 2006 11:30  
Blogger Andraste said...

...oh, and to order Chinese food.

Thank God for caller ID. I haven't had to speak to a telemarketer in 7 years!

26 July, 2006 11:48  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Telephones, I'm soooo against them!

26 July, 2006 14:41  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

And for the sodding record, I'm one of the only people I know -I swear- that does not own a mobile phone, you yanks call them cell phones.

26 July, 2006 15:53  
Blogger SheBah said...

I couldn't function without my moby, but I really, really hate it when I am at lunch/dinner/somewhere, and in the middle of our conversation, the other person's mobile rings and they answer and have a long conversation while I sit like a gooseberry. There is a friggin' off switch, it's not like a baby needing immediate attention. Grrr!

27 July, 2006 05:59  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's just bad manners Shebah.

27 July, 2006 06:10  
Blogger Andraste said...

I only bought my cell when I started driving. I wanted a way to call for a tow if my truck ever broke down, without having to rely on potentially psychotic, murderous rapists, who may pull over to offer 'help, or a lift.' A few years ago a girl in Massachusetts was raped and murdered by a 'good samaritan' while she waited for AAA to come and get her.

Um...not for me, thanks. You fucking weirdos can keep driving, I've got a cell phone and road service!

27 July, 2006 09:45  
Blogger Gary said...

I too have grown to hate the telephonic machine invention.

I'm going on holiday tomorrow but because I own my own small business and because I've left my much dumber brother in charge, I have to take my mobile with me.

And I will hate it for the whole 14 days.

I've told him not to ring, I've otld him to send text messages so that i don't have to leave it switched on all day and I can just look at it once at a preset time each evening.

But still, I will hate the thing with a loathing that surpases understanding and if he really does dare to text me any problem that he can't handle while I'm on me holidays, then the mobile will end up in the swimming pool, I promise.

27 July, 2006 10:03  
Blogger Andraste said...

Hiya Gary, thanks for stopping in!

Don't let the phone spoil your holiday. If there's a message on it when you check each day, reply with this simple line, "Deal with it."

27 July, 2006 10:39  

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