Monday, January 09, 2006

I'm not eating what you eat, you fat bastard

Most TV chefs are irritating, officious little tossers, huh? In fact, I don't know of one TV chef I can stomach, aside from maybe that one Iron Chef guy who drinks a lot. You know the one, the guy in the yellow, who likes beer. Chen Kinichi? He likes his booze, does our Chen. Keeps his mouth shut, does silly things with food, and likes a nice brew. I got no beef with the Iron Chef guys in general, except that the food is stupid and I'll never make, or eat, any of the dishes they make in real life. It's more about entertainment than instruction, innit.

I love to watch Foodnetwork, and I really have learned a lot, become a better cook than in my early days of sustaining myself on mac & cheese from a box and pot noodes. I've had success with some recipes and techniques, adapted others to my personal tastes, gotten some good tips on shopping for freshness and storing for shelf-life. Blah, blah, blah.

But I do NOT take cooking advice from the fat ones. That "Barefoot Contessa" woman, with her stick of butter and heavy cream in EVERYTHING she makes? Fuck that. Yeah, the stuff tastes good, yes, it's comforting and yummy, but for Chrissakes! The woman is 150 pounds overweight, and no good can come from me following her example. I'm sure she's a very sweet person, and she knows a thing or two about presentation and yumminess, but come on.

The guy I hate the most, though, is this fat bastard, Mario Batali.

Just look at this fucking guy. With his hippie ponytail and clogs and chirpy tone. He thinks he's funny, but he's just as annoying as that Rachel Ray, only you could fit two of her in his apron. And every single recipe he makes includes 12 different types of pork!

The fucking cannibal.


Blogger fatmammycat said...

Have you ever witnessed Nigella Lawson in action? She is very English, proper posh totty, with a deep smooth educated voice and a way about her that just screams 'LICK THE PUDDING FROOM MY NAVAL!'
She makes very rich food too, but in her case she clearly only eats it on sunday, she is not skinny, just nicely softly rounded in all the right places. And best of all, she makes everything sound utterly utterly delicious.

09 January, 2006 12:11  
Blogger Andraste said...

I have heard much of this Nigella Lawson, but I have never seen her. She isn't on TV here in the states. I think the only English chef we get is Jamie Oliver and his HUGE tongue. I liked him at first, but the novelty wears off after a while.

09 January, 2006 12:20  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh he is an annoying little twerp to be sure. On the other hand he is inclined to put his neck out on the line. He opened a resturant where he teaches under privillaged kids to be chefs, he has backed a few smaller projects, and he campaigned heavily to increase the allowances for school dinners in an effort to stop kids eating crap. And it has taken root in a lot of schools. That doesn't stop him being annoying, but I have to give him credit for his hard work. You are right about his tongue however. Who is Rachel Ray?

09 January, 2006 12:26  
Blogger Andraste said...

Oh, she's an irritating little chipmunk for sure.,1974,FOOD_9928_1702057,00.html

She has a show called "30 minute meals" which is actually not bad. She has some good ideas and she's very clever with the foodstuffs, but she's one of these chirpy little fluffballs who thinks she's really funny and "Cool" and says things like "let that hang out in there," and chuckles amiably. Very annoying. Sets my teeth on edge.

09 January, 2006 12:43  
Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

we got different obes over here but the theory still stands.

it's a major international problem

09 January, 2006 13:00  
Anonymous mfv said...

Personal manner aside, Batali is a really good and well respected chef.
Nigella Lawson's show is/was on another network, she is a major league piece the show on Italian Cooking by that blonde bint imitates the style a bit.

Try reading the book "Kitchen Confidential" by Tony Bourdain. A real page turner, and his show on Travel Channel is quite entertaining.

09 January, 2006 13:33  
Blogger Andraste said...

Batali is a pig, who should stop eating members of his family.

GAH! I absolutely detest Tony Bourdain. He is a pompous, arrogant asshole. Even more arrogant than Bobby Flay. I would like to punch him in the neck.

09 January, 2006 13:48  
Anonymous mfv said...

Wow! Have we become a militant vegan? How fun!

Really? I think Bourdain is pretty funny and often self deprecating. I must have missed something.

09 January, 2006 13:54  
Anonymous mfv said...

Flay does seem like a douche though. He makes some good stuff sometimes though.

09 January, 2006 13:56  
Blogger Andraste said...

I'm no vegan, me. I eats fish and cheese and when I'm drunk I've been known to wolf down some pork fried rice. The fucking stuff is ambrosia.

09 January, 2006 14:02  
Blogger Andraste said...

Flay is welcome to come over and grill things for us to eat, no doubt about it. But he must shut the fuck up and go home when it's ready.

09 January, 2006 14:03  
Anonymous mfv said...

Have you checked out the forum at e-gullet society for culinary arts and letters? It's very good.
Some of the abovementioned assholes post there sometimes.

09 January, 2006 14:09  
Blogger Andraste said...

Looked through and saw some interesting stuff, but EGADS! I'm not that much of a foodie. I cook, experiment, have fun, eat healthy stuff (mostly) but don't "study" it.

Life's too short.

09 January, 2006 14:54  
Anonymous mfv said...

Whatever lifts yer nightie

09 January, 2006 15:50  
Blogger mrshife said...

I'm hungry. Where's the beef?

09 January, 2006 18:33  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

"I hope your donuts turn out like Fanny's"

10 January, 2006 04:06  
Blogger Mike S said...

Speaking of large cooker people
who was heavy on the cream,I
remember the rather large Julia
Child.I'll never forget that
SNL sketch where Dan Akroyd
played her cutting herself with
a knife while cutting meat,lol.

10 January, 2006 10:26  
Blogger Andraste said...

That's true, Mike S, she was a big lady. But I don't think she was obese. She was over six feet tall, and robust, definitely.

Bless her. She was fabulous, though, huh?

Yes, that SNL sketch was a riot. Recently saw an entire Akroyd "best of" tape, and a lot of that stuff has stood the test of time.

10 January, 2006 10:37  

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