Thursday, February 16, 2006

Cut the shit, you pretentious fucking yuppie.

I am SICK TO DEATH of people saddling their kids with stupid, pretentious names, which, far from giving the child a sense of individuality or distinction, more often earns them regular schoolyard beatings. We are looking at an entire generation of little boys called stupid shit like "Kayden" and "Brayen" and "Zander" (Gott im Himmel help you, Zander, I can't.), and little girls called "McKenna" and "Kaylee" and "Brianna."

Jesus Christ. These poor kids will grow up to be as affected and neurotic as their fuckbag, yuppie parents. I hear them on the streets of Cambridge, doing their "parenting," trying to reason with their screaming, spoiled little "geniuses," and it makes me cringe.

I hate that fucking word, "Parenting."

There's that one on the bus, who tries to impress us all with the LOUD conversation with his 6 year old, (no doubt named "Tyler" or "Landon" or some shit) about high mathematical concepts and logic. The kid says something precocious and the father agrees, looking around to see if we're all listening. The cunt.

Or those birkenstock wearing asshats, trying to validate little "Kylie's" feelings on the street in Harvard Square, when she's screaming that she wants ice cream, and won't budge until they agree that they're finished in the arts collective, they can go to Toscanini's and get some.

Hey, I am not saying all boys should be named after an archangel or girls after Jane Austen characters. I have an unusual name myself. (NO, my real name ISN'T ANDRASTE - my parents were NOT tree-huggers with an interest in Celtic mythology - I just need a pseudonym so I don't get fired for blogging.) But I'll tell you this, my real name is not even remotely pretentious, it's just a bit ethnic, and it was tough enough going in school, being the only one. You should hear the telemarketers try to pronounce it. Even though the spelling is PHONETIC, for Chrissakes.

Please pass the flask. I'm in a mood.

30 Comments:

Blogger fatmammycat said...

One of my more manly male friends plays soccer twice a week with another group of manly men and discovered a chap he knows as Sean was actually christened as 'Leshauwn.'
Okay maybe that might work Stateside if you are young and black, but Dublin? With Mick ginger hair and freckles? nah-ah.
I am mixing a dirty martini as soon as I finish typing this. I know I've given up drinking during the week, but it is thursday and your post more or less equates the sort of humour I am currently suffering. Plus I will be working here until both my eyes fall from their sockets, so I might as well do it gently sozzled. VIVE LE GIN!

16 February, 2006 11:32  
Blogger Andraste said...

Oh FMC - I know what you mean. I have put in almost as many hours on my freelance work this week as my regular job! The bills are up to date, which is nice, but I think I'll opt for a few pints tonight, instead of more work.

16 February, 2006 12:39  
Anonymous stephenesque said...

Interesting fact: a zander is a type of freshwater fish similar to the pike.

16 February, 2006 13:28  
Blogger Andraste said...

Interesting factoid, Stephen.

What the fuck is a "Kayden"?

16 February, 2006 13:46  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It is always feast or famine, honey.
There was a Xander in Buffy. I know sure there was 'Coife' in my class in college. But she could have made that up herself and we would have all been too self absorbed to question it.

16 February, 2006 14:07  
Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Best fucking post in a long time. Amen hermana. I saw a blonde "mother" teaching her kid chess at Starbucks and dios mio wasn't she talking loud so we all knew her helmet-wearing window-licking son was learning to play chess years before she drives him to heroin.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

16 February, 2006 14:23  
Blogger Andraste said...

Welcome El Guapo! Glad you stopped by.

Chess...with a child...in Starbucks. I ask you. Pff.

16 February, 2006 14:47  
Blogger Father of 3 said...

An ethnic name that telemarketers commonly mispronounce... Siobhan. Sinead. Antionette. Patrice. Marguerite. Am I close?

16 February, 2006 15:23  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Urgh. I will never be finished this sodding work. I believe I will have another drink Jeeves, make it myself you say? Don't mind if I do!

16 February, 2006 15:28  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Chantelle!

16 February, 2006 15:30  
Blogger Andraste said...

Nope. Though it is French.

16 February, 2006 15:30  
Blogger Father of 3 said...

Simone. Noelle. Charlemaine. No more guessing..I promise.

16 February, 2006 15:36  
Blogger Andraste said...

I'm not going to tell you, even if you guess it. Not being coy, just preserving the relative anonymity here.

16 February, 2006 15:47  
Blogger Andraste said...

FMC - Chantelle? Fucking awful. And a whole subject for an entirely new post, about pretentious, ethnic names, that by their very construction FORCE the speaker to use an accent to say it right. Bollocks to that.

16 February, 2006 15:57  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I know. I am incredibly sorry, it just sort of slipped off the tips of my tired fingers, much apologies.

16 February, 2006 16:00  
Blogger Andraste said...

Don't apologize...just get that drink.




I'm waiting...

16 February, 2006 16:05  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Gin and bitter lemon do ya? It is all I have here.
Oh God, I'm actually eating hot buttery toast and drinking a hot chocolate. I gave up on the booze earlier because I really need my wits about me to finish this. Hot chocolate... I'm so ashamed.

16 February, 2006 17:04  
Blogger Andraste said...

Just finished a lovely 45 minutes cardio, with a weight-lunge cool-down. I think I've earned a gin...ooops, no gin in the house. Vodka though...the answer is: VODKA

16 February, 2006 18:36  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

Seriously, the most bizarre one I ever heard of was the parents who called their son... wait for it... Depressed Cupboard Cheesecake. I shit you not!

Interesting factoid: Alison was originally a boy's name, meaning 'Son of Alice'. Absolutely true!

By the way, my real name isn't Binty either. Just thought I'd let you know!

16 February, 2006 20:25  
Blogger Big Mama said...

Hey my name isn't Big Mama either but I TOTALLY AGREE with every word written here. For every nimrod pinheaded never ending LOUD talking approval seeking pretentious (slap you upside your stupid ugly head) poor excuse for a good parent. Thank God there are the rest of us who can laugh at these fools. Not to mention watch their world crumble as "Copeland" or "Brianne" enter rehab for the first of many trips...

Excellent post BTW!

16 February, 2006 21:27  
Blogger Monstee said...

Me use to work for company that do mass mailing. Me quit cause me liked me soul too much, but while me was there me was responsible for cleaning up mailing lists. Me see all these friggin names you been talking bout and also notice ethnic trend in US to take standard name and just add to the front like: Jalisa, Jalucy, Lajannet, Barandy.

Worst name me ever run across was... Marijuana Rodriguez.
1) If Miss Rodriguez was named that at birth, her parents should be slapped!
2) If she changed it from a traditional name other then Broonhilda or Goonhilda, then her parents should still be slapped for letting her do it!

Either way, me smell fuckin hippies!

17 February, 2006 01:30  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Like a lot of Scots I have names from Greek history and I don't mean Archbishop Makarios III.
What the fuck were they thinking?

Is it Simone? Jasmin? Isolde? eh? Getting warm? I knew a Jasmin once, she was as beautiful as the name. Her surname let her down. McGuinness.

Omar O'Rielly.
Fatima McGonnegal.
Barry Piper.

17 February, 2006 03:54  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

I've always assumed Andraste is an anagram of Sandra with a couple of extra letters thrown in to confuse matters.

17 February, 2006 04:05  
Blogger Andraste said...

Whoah! This post generated some comments. True, a lot of them are mine, but...

Welcome, Big Mama, thanks for stopping by!

Binty - Even Frank Zappa would have drawn the line at Depressed Cupboard Cheesecake, and he is one of the worst baby name offenders.

Monstee- You DO smell hippies. Sic 'em. SIC 'EM!

Doc - Where you been? No, none of those names grace my birth certificate. And you can stop guessing, I'll never tell, even if you guess right.

FE - That's a reasonable assumption, but no.

17 February, 2006 09:15  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know a couple who have named their newborn daughter "Moonbeam"...
Me smell hippies, too.
Invest in Betty Ford centers, you'll make a killing.

17 February, 2006 09:56  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

It's curious... I have often wondered where some of the good folk that hang around this corner of the blogiverse got their names from. I mean, why Doctor Maroon? Monstee? And where on earth did the idea come from for Andraste?

18 February, 2006 00:37  
Blogger Andraste said...

I needed a pseudonym to comment on a friend's blog, and I was reading a biography of Boudicea. Evidently Andraste is a Celtic victory goddess, to whom rabbits are sacred. "Hey" thought I, "I like rabbits. I'll use Andraste."

18 February, 2006 09:11  
Blogger LBseahag said...

Is your name Marguerite? I have a feeling...

19 February, 2006 14:08  
Blogger Andraste said...

Nope.

19 February, 2006 14:17  
Blogger Andraste said...

zebulon, you fucking twat. I'm deleting your comment, you sick fuck.

Don't bother coming back. Asshole.

13 April, 2006 10:41  

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