Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Calm the fuck down, it's only ingredients.

Emeril is someone who should go the fuck away for a while. I mean, bad enough the guy's got about a dozen different shows on the Food Network, and you cannot escape his ugly mug even when you're not watching TV, because the fucker's in the grocery store, too, hawking his "essence," which is just obscene.

The whole "bam" thing is so old and moldy, he should just retire it. Bad enough it's his mantra when he's fucking cooking, but he does toothpaste commercials now, and it's their tag now as well. A few years go, some asshole even gave this talentless hack a sit-com. Naturally, it was cancelled after about three seconds on the air, but... Christ.

But no, it's not Emeril and his ubiquitousness that bother me half as much as his audience of slack-jawed morons. They hoot and holler like he's doing something original just when he melts butter. Let him add garlic or beer or brandy or wine to any dish, and they act like he's just done something oh, so deliciously naughty, they practically jump out of their seats, going "woot, woot, woot," and "ya-hooooo," like a bunch of retards.



Anonymous vague said...

That is exactly what I hate about him so much--that retarded audience. Emeril is all, "AND NOW I AM GOING TO PUT SOME GAAAAAAAAHHLIC IN HERE," (because he speaks in all caps all the time) and the audience practically creams their jeans. It's ridiculous. And why the hell is he on ALL THE EFFING TIME? Between him and Rachel Ray the Food channel doesn't need any other programming.

(Rachel's $40-a-day show is the most useless thing ever, though, I have to say. It's just...watching her...eat. That's it. She eats, she likes, she's done. What the hell, people?)

10 January, 2006 13:10  
Blogger Andraste said...

Exactly. And if you're really bothered about spending more than $40 a day when you're traveling, you can't afford to travel. Do you expect me to believe I'm supposed to go someplace like Baltimore or New Orleans or Chicago, and really enjoy myself entirely without spending a SHITload on food and booze? Come on.

10 January, 2006 14:10  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Fortunately he doesn't seem to have made it to this side of the Atlantic. As mentioned in the comments on your last posting, Nigella Lawson is the gastro-pornographer's delight in the UK.

10 January, 2006 17:45  
Anonymous stephenesque said...

Why add the word "it" onto the end of the sentence "He should just retire it" ?

10 January, 2006 17:52  
Blogger Andraste said...

Stephen, you horrible little pedant - Because the "it" refers to the whole "Bam" thing, and if I hadn't added the "it," it would have looked awkward, and would have meant that I wanted HIM to retire, because of the "bam" thing. I don't think HE should just retire because of the "Bam" thing. I want him to stop using the "Bam" thing becaues it is old and moldy. I think he should retire for a lot of other reasons, but that sentence works, and I stand behind IT.

10 January, 2006 18:37  
Blogger mrshife said...

I haven't seen enough of this chubby bitch to get offended yet, but I will try my hardest.

10 January, 2006 18:43  
Anonymous mfv said...

Ironically you consider Emeril the same way as Tony Bourdain did at one point.

12 January, 2006 13:38  
Blogger Andraste said...

Dubya likes baseball, doesn't mean I don't think he's a twat.

12 January, 2006 14:28  
Blogger tgic said...

I wish I could somehow bottle my essence and sell it. I do envy Emeril for that. Except while his essence is a food product, I feel like mine would end up as beer.

13 January, 2006 11:10  
Blogger LBseahag said...

I am playing catchup on your blog...

you in high dosages is gonna kill me by laughter aspixiation or some shit...

15 January, 2006 13:41  

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