Tuesday, December 04, 2007

This squirrel walks into a bar, okay...

....and orders a Guinness.

That's as far as I've gotten.


Anonymous laughykate said...

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, 'Gotanybread?'
Barman says, 'This is a bar, we don't serve bread.'
Duck says, 'Gotanybread?'
'No, Mr Duck, this is a bar, we don't have any bread.'
'It's a bar.THERE.IS.NO.BREAD.'
'How many times can I say this? THERE IS NO BREAD IN THIS BAR!'
'Look, Duck, if you ask me that one more time I am going to nail your fucking beak to the bar!'
'NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you moron duck, this is a bar! We don't nails!'

Oh, that joke gets me every time (sadly, I am giggling away as I write) and is just more evidence that my sense of humour is about as highly evolved as a snail's.

04 December, 2007 16:39  
Blogger Andraste said...

Laughykate - you'll like this one. It's the only clean joke I know.

A grasshopper walks in a bar and the barman says "Hey, we have a drink named after you."

And the grasshopper goes, "you have a drink called Bob?"

I love that one. It's one of my all time favorites.

I need my meds.

04 December, 2007 19:01  
Anonymous laughykate said...

That's beautiful! Two more to further illustrate my poorly evolved humour...

Two sauages are lying in a frying pan and one sausage says to the other, 'Man, it's getting hot in here!.'

The other sausage looks at him and goes, 'Wow! A talking sausage!'

And another favourte....

Have you heard of the world's shortest joke?

There's this seal and he walks into a club...

04 December, 2007 19:54  
Blogger Andraste said...

Brilliant! I needed a good belly laugh and that sausage one was the one wot done it.

Oh dear...

04 December, 2007 20:28  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Woodworm walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bar tender?"

05 December, 2007 03:14  
Blogger The Bad Ambassador said...

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

05 December, 2007 08:02  
Blogger Andraste said...

BA - Most excellent. My collection of "clean" jokes has just expanded exponentially!

05 December, 2007 09:42  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Just found this one which seems to fit your theme...

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

05 December, 2007 11:20  
Blogger Andraste said...


You guys are KILLING me with these jokes. I love them! I'll use 'em all at Xmas with the family. ALL of them!

It'll keep the conversation away from religion and politics, which is a powder keg. POWDER KEG, I tell you.

05 December, 2007 11:54  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

These ARE good.

06 December, 2007 10:18  
Blogger Georgina said...

How did the dead baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken

06 December, 2007 11:15  
Blogger Medbh said...

That squirrel is so sweet I have a tooth ache.

06 December, 2007 17:22  
Blogger Kendra Dawn!! said...

I used to love monkey's...well I still do but that is the best monkey joke I have ever heard!!

21 November, 2008 13:18  

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