Wednesday, July 30, 2008

They say Liam Neeson's well-hung.

Two days till vacation and I have finished all my work - so for the past three days I've been sitting in my office for 8 hours a day, with literally NOTHING to do.

So you know what I'm doing? I'm on YouTube, watching just about everything, but mostly full episodes of QI.
And developing a disturbing and unhealthy crush on Alan Davies.
Oh, don't start.

I've also watched full episodes of Dr. Who, Jonathan Creek, and MI-5. All the while, squinting at my computer screen, and holding a clipboard on my lap, a pen in my mouth, trying to look as busy as possible doing work. Work that I don't have.
I don't think anyone has been fooled. The headphones and barely-controlled giggling have surely tipped people off. And my impromptu Stephen Fry impersonations, I am convinced, have everyone wishing my vacation had started last week.
How great is HE, by the way? We need one of those over here.
Christ, I'm bored.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

Monsoon season!

What the fuck? I love a good thunderstorm, the louder, boomier, crashier, flashier the better. But after a couple of weeks of pretty much daily thunderstorms, it has become a tad tiresome. I can honestly say that the novelty has most definitely worn off. And I'm becoming tiresome about it too - I WILL repeat "Hey, Florida called, they want their weather back" until SOMEBODY laughs. I fucking mean it.

But yesterday's storm was the most alarming one so far. Funnel clouds? Off the coast of New England? Those of you out there who think climate change is a left wing scare tactic, I'd like to put it to you - why is the Northeast getting all this awful tropical weather? Hmmm? I don't care what anyone says, THIS IS NOT FUCKING NORMAL. Anyway, I'm almost sure Pat Robertson will say we're getting poked on the weather because Massachusetts allows gays to get married. That'd be pretty funny.

Here's another thing. Remember last summer, when I bought all those lady bugs and released them in my garden to eat other, more harmful bugs? So that I wouldn't have to spray pesticides and poison my flowers and herbs? So that I would have a healthy, vibrant, pretty lawn and garden that would attract pretty songbirds and colorful butterflies and the like without poisoning anybody? Well, no matter if YOU remember: I DID. I DID buy all those ladybugs, paid for shipping, kept them in the fridge to freak SPOUSE out (he doesn't like bugs) and then waited for an evening with the perfect weather/wind conditions to set them free on our property, thinking oh, how great to be environmentally conscious and nice to the earth and to my fellow creatures.

And then they all promptly fucked right off. Couldn't find a ladybug on our lot for the rest of the summer.

So a couple of weeks ago we went to a neighborhood barbecue and everyone was talking about the GREAT LADYBUG INVASION OF 2007. Seems all the ungrateful little bitches went to everyone else's houses, and set up residence in their yards, porches, and kitchens, instead of taking care of mine. Huh.

Hey, neighbors. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Another religion/etiquette question

I have another problem with religious etiquette and I'd like some input on this one. This is serious, not so much the hooch-fuelled rant of 4 July, as a serious question about etiquette and when and where religious practices are appropriate or not. And what the hell is up with the inconsistency in this one practice.

Okay, I was just introduced to someone who is an Orthodox Jewish male. I went to shake his hand, and he refused, just saying "Sorry, I'm not allowed."

I made the assumption that it's because I'm female. I tried to think of some other reason - he certainly couldn't tell anything about me, my cultural background, religious or non-religious leanings, etc. just by looking at me - the only visible cue he had to go on was my gender. So, right, must be the female thing. Putting aside that this is just another example of misogyny-with-a-religious-excuse, and just about all religions have them, so I'm not picking on the Jews here, AT ALL, I didn't say anything, just passed it off quietly in the name of not making a scene or causing discomfort.

BUT: A few minutes later, when he was introduced to another female, this time a member of our faculty, I looked over and, you guessed it, he shook her hand!

Now, I am a clean person, he certainly didn't see me handling food before the introduction, or coming out of a bathroom or anything. I literally stepped off an elevator, and was introduced to several people, him being the last I came to. And when I got back to my office I immediately googled a few phrases or words to see if I could come up with some answer, but none was to be had. Some Orthodox Jewish males do not shake hands with women, fine, my google search revealed that quickly enough. So, wrong and stupid and backwards and caveman and misogynist as I think that is, I'm just...whatever, dude.

But why not shake hands with me, but then shake hands with another female - in the same context, event, room, program, etc.? Is it my long hair? Did he make an assumption about my marital status? Does it have anything to DO with marital status and any assumptions he may have gotten wrong? (For example, the other woman he DID shake hands with is married - but so am I, and my ring is displayed just as obviously as hers. Nah, that can't be it.)

Anybody got an answer for this? Because, frankly, I am a little bit, shall we say, verklempt?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Submitted for your enjoyment...

What the...?

I wish Kingsley was still alive, because I would PAY to be a fly on the wall as someone shows him this. I'm pretty sure he would implode.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Happy Friday, My Gentle Little Petunias...

I live for Fridays, I really do. It's a bit sad, but there it is.
In the mood for a good jukebox, a ton of Guinness, the ballgame on the big screen, some good conversation, a bunch of laughs - all within a mile from home. Truth be told, I'm pretty much ALWAYS in this mood, except when I'm not. Sometimes I'm after vodka.
Anyway - off to the pub.

Friday, July 04, 2008

OH for the love of Salma.

You guys!

I just got back from a barbecue. Everyone was having fun: the food was cooking,lovely smells wafting across the yard, kids in the pool, lots of beers everywhere, a few folks with the hard stuff, some sangria, lots of laughs, sports discussions, general social catching up, the game on the outdoor TV, Sox beating the Yankees, etc.

All good, right? Small town America, celebrating a national holiday. Sweet.

So a large bunch of food comes off the grill, right, a HUGE platter of chicken, steak, pulled pork, burgers, dogs, veggie stuff, the works. It's all good. And then...

And THEN: We all had to gather while someone said GRACE! Seriously, 50 people, regardless of religious belief - OR LACK OF - were all expected to stand around and give homage to this ONE person's imaginary friend.

Fucking hell.

What do you do when this happens? Is there a chapter in the Miss Manners Guide for something like this?

What gets on my tits is this: If I had actually actively dipped out or not participated in this 'ceremony' would it have been obvious and caused some kind of offense? And if so, why then is it okay for someone's religious beliefs to highjack (word used absolutely fucking on purpose) the day and this point in time for EVERYONE at the BBQ, when this person did not KNOW many of the people there, and could not judge what religious beliefs everyone else held, if any, when my LACK of religious beliefs would have caused offense?

Why is it okay to blast your religious beliefs to a crowd of unknown people, when it's offensive to express the opinion that you're atheist?

I've walked on egg shells for too fucking long. It is time for me to start getting militant about this.

It starts here. I don't want to hear any fucking church bells this weekend. It OFFENDS me that other people's religious beliefs interfere with my fucking Sunday morning lie-in. Got it?


That is all.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Things I don't need in my inbox

No pun intended.

So, I'm getting some interesting spam in my yahoo account lately. Aside from the viagra offers (how do they KNOW I speak German?) and invitations to view people masturbating on their web cams (Yeeeah, no, I'm good, thanks), the latest seem to be offers to join over-40 dating services. Fuck that. If I suddenly find myself single again (not likely) I would totally have a mid-life crisis and get something younger. Not illegal, I'm no pervert, but something ...uncomplicated by age and experience. In boots. Sinewy. With good teeth. A tool belt is good. I'm a simple person.

Holy shit, I just described the construction worker from the Village People.

Think I'll stop here with this line of thought.
Let's look at a video:

Think I'll form a Stranglers cover band. Who's in?