I don't TRY to offend

In retrospect, when that ultra religious student came in a few minutes ago, I didn't really NEED to have Richard Dawkins' "The God Delusion" sitting out on my desk, and "Fuck This Town" by Robbie Fulks playing on my computer.

But I didn't see her coming, so what are you gonna do?

Requires a glassing

Squirrelly little bastards who start sentences with “I’m the type of person who…” should be thrown on the third rail before they have a chance to reveal exactly what devastatingly original characteristic it is that they think warrants their explanation of any aspect of their odious, twattish, insufferable personality to any available listener.

You can't see it, but I'm shrugging.

Just some random shit because lately it appears I have nothing really to rant about anymore. (Funny thing - ever since we bought the house, with all its adult responsibilities, the mortgage, the various home-improvement projects, the longer commute, etc...a strange contentment has come over me, and I just don't feel like my usual cantankerous self. Huh. Let's call this post a figurative shrug...or something.)

*I've been watching the most BIZARRE TV series on HBO lately. Mormons and polygamists...and let me tell you, it's definitely very, very creepy. But it is also eerily fascinating, and I can't look away.

*I will be starting another blog soon. It'll be even more anonymous than this one, and I won't link to it here, or tell anybody what it's called or where to find it. I'm going to use it to write character studies, and test my hand at fiction-writing. Maybe someday I'll have enough for some short stories or something (Perhaps a novel? Naaaaah....Fuck me, that's WAY too ambitious for now, and I don't want to put too much pressure on myself.) Anyway, I have a few character outlines just about ready. Now, if I could just think up something for them to do....

*If you enjoy shooting gallery games, and have an axe to grind with me, then Junior, by all means, hie thee immediately over to BLUNT COGS . Monstee has created a hilarious shoot-em-up game starring myself and all the other cast of Blunt Cogs characters. Now's your chance to blow my smart-ass head off, as well as those of Paris Hilton, Bush, Cheney, a terrorist, etc. (However, I'm one of the GOOD GUYS in the game, and you actually do LOSE points by shooting me...so there's that.)

*I'm currently reading this book. It's basically a list of alcoholic writers and a rundown of their worst moments. I'm learning a lot, and building a good reading list out of it, but it is just about the most poorly-edited work I've ever read. Sentences missing verbs, conjuctions repeating themselves, commas where no comma should be...it's disturbing. Did NO ONE proofread this thing at all?

*Cape Cod white cheddar popcorn is a far superior product to Smartfood.

Horrific doesn't even begin to describe it.

I wish I had something wise and helpful to add to all the discussion about the Virginia Tech tragedy. Events like this render me speechless with rage, powerlessness, and frustration.

I am just so sick of these cunts with guns, punishing perfect strangers and destroying innocent lives in some kind of misguided act of revenge for their own sense of powerlessness, inadequacy, sadness, and alienation. Then the cowardly fucks top themselves, so they don't have to deal with the afermath, or punishment, or look at the misery they cause.

And the worst part is this - and maybe I'm jaded and cynical, but I think this is true - these things inevitably spark a few other 'copycat' type events. Some deranged bastard with the mental age of six, and an axe to grind because someone, at some point in his life, disappointed, rejected, made fun of, or belittled him, (as happens to EVERYONE, but we don't all decide to make the innocent pay for it, now do we?) will now decide the ante's been upped, and he's got to get his 34 kills instead of just quietly fucking off and dying alone with a stomach full of sleeping pills, as he should have done.

I'm so sick of it. Fuckers.

Hey, want to hear something really stupid?

So, we have a special, secret, free parking space that we use when we go into Boston to see the Sox. It's not exactly 'legal,' but no one seems to police it, and we've found it a very cheap, convenient alternative to taking a cab all the way in and out of the city, and to driving all the way in and being raped on parking fees. Also, it allows us not to have to leave the house three hours before game time to allow for the MBTA to do its usual bad job of transporting us from point A to point B too slowly, and packed in like cattle, because they seem to refuse to add extra trains, buses, and trips on game days.

Anyway, as we were pulling in to our special spot (it's near Cleveland Circle, but that's all I'll say), this guy pulls up and asks if this is legal parking for the game. We say, "well, we've always had good luck here. It's not supposed to be free parking for people who aren't (business name withheld) customers, but we've parked here for 10 years and never had a problem."

Listen to what this idiot says: "Well, I've been driving around for an hour looking for parking and I'm beginning to get frustrated. There's a reason I'm a Yankee fan."

Ummmmm....WHAT?

What a dick! Hey, we know parking is an issue in Boston - has been for years. It's one of the city's main drawbacks - not enough parking, and where you're lucky enough to find it, it's far too expensive. You have to be creative about finding alternatives to driving everywhere you go, unless you want to deal with an overcrowded, inefficient, slow public transportation system. But really...Is it any better in New York? I don't think so, Jack.

And in any case - I'm so glad this guy's being a Yankee fan has to do with parking - and not something as trivial as...oh, I don't know...the team.

Play Ball!!!

I'll post later today, when I have something more worthwhile to say than, "FUCK YEAH! BASEBALL IS BACK!!!"

If I can type when I get back from the game, that is. Either from too many beers, or frozen fingers - it'll be one or the other - typing may be a bit of a stretch.

HUZZAH!!!!!!

Later, kids.

Mixed media

As I was lying in bed last night, watching the Red Sox, and reading the Letters of Kingsley Amis (Oh, you weren't so pretentious. Yes, I WAS.) it occurred to me that I'm not as fired up about the return of baseball as I should be. (Shocking and inexcusable. Yes, I KNOW.)

Believe me, by the time Tuesday's home opener rolls around, I'll be in full-on lunatic Sox fan mode, sporting my child's size (I do have a tiny head) team hat, and normal sized (for I am that, if nothing else) team jersey, and joining the other joyful fans on the concourse at Fenway, drinking expensive beer, and high-fiving perfect strangers, just because they're fans of the same team, in the pure joy of the return of baseball to Boston, and reveling in the welcome sights, smells and sounds of Fenway, and oh yes, lest we forget, spring.

But right now - meh. I think my mistake this year, and what's causing the baseball ennui, if you will, is that I've listened to far too much WEEI, and followed too much of the off-season front-office maneuverings. I'm so fucking spoiled. I should have just done what I normally do - ignore the off-season, let the team organization do what it will, trade whoever, sign whoever - for these people know much, much more about baseball than I do, and are perfectly capable of putting together a viable team without my watchful eye or venturing my not-as-knowledgeable opinion on every move they make. And then it would all be fresh for me as I start to watch spring training games, and I get to learn about the new signings - who they are, what they do - in a more organic way. Then it really feels like a new season, and not an epilogue to the shitty end of last year's season.

The fact that I could have the game on in the background whilst putting more brain energy toward the letters of a dead, curmudgeonly English writer - well...I just hope this passes by Tuesday, or it's going to be a long, boring summer.

But ...NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE MY TICKETS.