Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Vanity


Here's another thing that fucks me off. Zits.

I can accept the aging process. I can accept the gray hairs that have started to sneak onto the scene. (Three, at last count. I've named them: Lupe, Hermione, and Steve.) I can accept that I'm getting some laugh lines around the eyes. I've earned a few lines and wrinkles and scorn the use of Botox, Collagen, whatever other bullshit anti-aging technologies are out there. If you are willing to inject fucking anthrax into your body for the sake of an unmoving forehead? Go for it, dumbass. But when you glow in the dark or find yourself with a terminal illness from that shit hitting your bloodstream? Don't come crying to me.

I think people should age gracefully. Worrying about it, and going out of your way to prevent it only makes it worse. IT SHOWS when you can't accept it, and it SHOWS when you're doing shit to yourself to try to fool people. Here's something you should know: YOU FOOL NO ONE.

I'm aging okay, despite those visible signs of being in my fifth decade. Those physical things...they're part of life. Okay, good.

But you'd think it'd be a trade off NOT to get any more fucking ZITS. I've always had good skin, though pale and sometimes a bit pasty when my diet and sleep schedule aren't the healthiest. It's smooth, soft, clear. Most of the time. But every once in a while...as if to mock me in my arrogance...hello? What's this? A SPOT? Damn you, little clogged pores... damn you to HELL.

That said:

I've done enough thinking about this, and whinging about this, that I have created names for the three types of zits: Peepers, stingers, and screamers.

Peepers are the wee fellas that pop up in that little crevace* between your nose and cheek. They don't hurt, and once you realize they're there, you just scrape a fingernail across them, they go 'pop,' and they're gone, leaving no redness or soreness behind. If you're going to get a zit, this is the easiest all around.

Then there's your stingers. These don't really show to the general public, but you find out they're there when you inadvertently touch it while scratching your face or something. All it takes is light contact and it's like an invisible wasp has just taken umbrage at your face, and nailed you. "YEEEEOOOOWWWW! What the fuck is that?" I'm dealing with a stinger right now, right there on my chin. Others cannot see it, which is, I suppose, some comfort. But the little bastard hurts. And it's RUINING my day.

The screamers are the worst, both in terms of pain and vanity. They hurt, they show, if you touch them, they get worse, and THEY. ARE. UGLY. No make up can cover them, and no zit cream will help. They LAUGH at zit cream. "DO YOUR WORST" they say, as they tuck into the zit cream feast, and get bigger and redder and more arrogant. Fuckers.

Other than that, all is well. YOU?



*EDIT: Crevace? Cravasse? Fuck.

21 Comments:

Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

I wish I could relate. Guatemalans have perfect skin.

EG

25 April, 2006 13:35  
Blogger Andraste said...

Oh, el guapo...there must be SOMETHING that fries your ego.

C'mon. Are you short?

25 April, 2006 13:42  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

You're 40 and you only have 3 grey hairs?

Pah!

I have more than that coming out of each nostril!

25 April, 2006 15:51  
Blogger Andraste said...

I'm sure they're like mice or other vermin. Just because you only SEE three, doesn't mean that's all there is. If you've got one, you've got a colony. I just make it a point never to look very hard for them.

25 April, 2006 15:58  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

There are few things more sad than a person who is desperately trying to hold onto their youth -- e.g., middle-age men in basketball jerseys. It's sad.

25 April, 2006 16:24  
Blogger Andraste said...

But wait, Chris...are they playing basketball? No?

Okay. That's bad.

25 April, 2006 16:36  
Blogger P1P said...

I have no idea about why we still get the zits. Causes the rage. Hard to look stylish with a pulsing red buboe on the end of your nose. Mine are psychic and arrive to cause the maxium embarrassment (in time for dates or work ID photos). On the bright side i have a couple fo grey hairs of which i am inordinately proud! Proof i am a grownup in body if not in mind!

26 April, 2006 05:49  
Blogger SheBah said...

Age is a war to be fought at every opportunity - no guerrila tactics should be excluded - potions, lotions, herbs, creme de mer, hair colours - and, when the time comes, botox, fillers, plastic surgery, gene therapy, lamb placenta - bring it all on - yeah!

26 April, 2006 07:27  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I'm not sure if I have any grey hairs or not seeing as I cannot fully remember what my nautral hair colour is like. It was auburn, now its a rich salon inspired auburn. My pubes are grey free, so I'm gonna go with a collar and cuff match.

26 April, 2006 08:52  
Blogger Andraste said...

P1P - EXACTLY! Right before a high school reunion, or a trip to the in-laws. How do they KNOW?

SB - You're out of your mind.

FMC - I dyed my hair red for years, and only recently let it go back to its natural color. Used to joke that I didn't remember what my natural color was. And it's true. I am completely surprised that it's actually turned out to be a rather pretty chestnut or auburn type color, which turns to strawberry blond in the summer. Who knew???

26 April, 2006 09:49  
Anonymous Johnnyboy said...

I have an acquaintance who developed staph. aureus septicemia once - abscesses in muscles, kidney, heart - the poor bastard (early twenties, perfect health) almost died. For the longest time the doctors didn't know where it had come from; they finally settled on the likeliest culprit, a big stinger that had developed deep in the guy's nose a few days before his illness. Now whenever I get one of these nose stingers, I tremble in terror.

26 April, 2006 12:02  
Blogger Andraste said...

My GOD, Johnnyboy, that's a frightening tale!

See? they're not just ugly, they're DEADLY!

26 April, 2006 12:32  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

View it like this Andraste... http://www.nataliedee.com/041306/a-magical-time-in-every-girls-life.jpg

27 April, 2006 02:52  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

No comment over at Blunt Cogs from you for this one yet:

http://bluntcogs.blogspot.com/2006/04/first-signs-of-aging.html

28 April, 2006 10:02  
Blogger Andraste said...

Thanks, Kim. Hardy har harrrrrr.

28 April, 2006 13:05  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Have nice weekend missus!

28 April, 2006 14:30  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

could have been worse - I didn't do one about the zits...

30 April, 2006 11:18  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's crevice, dumbass... have you ever heard of a spellcheck?

01 May, 2006 06:03  
Blogger Andraste said...

Anonymous, fuck you. Have you ever heard of having a self-depricating laugh?

01 May, 2006 10:09  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I think the anonymous commenter should be refered here

01 May, 2006 11:40  
Blogger Andraste said...

To top it off, I mis-spelled self-deprecating.

BAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

01 May, 2006 15:10  

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